In the morning, with a bright sun. I just woke up with half sanity, checking what time it was. It said 7.08 AM. Besides that, my heart rate was 65.
Lately, my sleep has been so bad, not only regarding what time I sleep, but the duration of my sleep. At night, I don't know why, maybe I just have bad emotional control this time. My emotions are so bad, so f*cking bad. If my emotions were drawn like a stock chart, it would have extreme volatility; in minutes it can go up (happy), but another minute it can go the other way.
I saw a clip of @Marapthon Season 3, when the agenda was talking to a psychologist for each member. That clip was @Aloy's part. The psychologist ( @INDAH SJ, S.Psi., M.Psi ) said something like,"It can be two things: you let it be, or you are hiding by saying let it be. It's a different thing."
Sometimes, I can self-claim. One of those things is I use it to defend my feelings. It's random, like what I said on top about how I just woke up and had this theory. Okay, I always get labeled as "avoidant, gengsi, jutek,etc.", but I'm okay with that. I was just wondering what I did so I got that label, and what I see is: I just defend my feelings so they can't hurt me.
Yang gua mau bilang, gua bisa aja melakukan sesuatu yang mungkin bisa membuat orang berkata,"Bukannya gengsi lakuin ini?". Tapi karena gua tidak mau perasaan gua luka, gua lebih memilih dikatakan gengsi daripada membuka celah untuk perasaan gua tersakiti.
Kesamaan dari klip yang gua lihat, gua lagi berlindung atau bersembunyi dengan kamuflase "nggak apa-apa gua dikatain gengsi, dsb." Yang mana sebenarnya gua cuma tidak mau melakukan suatu hal karena hal tersebut bisa melukai perasaan gua.
Mungkin itu adalah cara gua melindungi perasaan gua?