Morning. Bright sun. Woke up half-sane, checked the time: 7:08 AM. Heart Rate: 65bpm.

Sleep’s been garbage lately - not just bedtime, the duration too. At night I don’t know why. Maybe my emotional control is just short right now. My emotions are f*cking nuts. If u charted them like a stock ticker, it’d be extreme volatility , up one minute (happy), crashed the next.

Watched a clip from @Marapthon Season 3, where the host talked to a psychologist for each member.

@Aloy’s part. The psychologist ( @INDAH SJ, S.Psi., M.Psi ) said something like,“It can be two things: you let it be, or you are hiding by saying let it be. It’s a different thing.”

Sometimes I use that as a shield. Defend my feelings with it. Kinda random, like the theory I just pulled out of nowhere when I woke up.

I always get labeled “avoidant, gengsi, jutek,etc.”, and I’m okay with that. Was just wondering what I did to earn it. Here’s what I see: I defend my feelings so they can’t hurt me.

What I’m saying is, I could do stuff that makes people go “Isn’t that just gensi?” But I don’t want my feelings hurt, so I’d rather take the gensi label than leave myself open to getting hurt.

Same things from that clip , I’m hiding behind the camouflage of “whatever,call me gensi or else.” Really I just don’t want to do something because it might hurt.

Maybe that’s just how I protect myself?